


Caliborn Learns to Drive

by starcrossedWanderer



Series: The Caliborn Saga [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Jokes, Burgers - Freeform, Cherubs (Homestuck), Fire, Gen, Restaurants, i just love writing caliborn, please dont take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcrossedWanderer/pseuds/starcrossedWanderer
Summary: Caliborn learns to drive????????
Relationships: CALIBORN/BURGER
Series: The Caliborn Saga [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047643
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	Caliborn Learns to Drive

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A HANDSOME AND DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CHERUB THAT EVERYONE LOVED AND ADORED. AND THEN I KILLED HER AND BIT OFF MY OWN LEG AND THEN BECAME THE COOLEST AND MOST EXCELLENT WRITER MAN THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. LOOK UPON MY CHEEKS AND BEHOLD MY MAGNITUDE. LOOK UPON MY CAPE AND BEHOLD IT’S LUXURIOUSNESS. BEHOLD MY ROBES AND MY HOT SEXY DAD BOD (I USED THE INTERNET WITH THE GOOGLES TO FIND THAT THIS IS THE MOST HOT AND IN LOOK AND BECAUSE I AM THE MOST HOT AND IN RIGHT NOW IT IS NOW A DESCRIPTOR FOR ME. THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL RECLAIMING WORDS.)

I AM NOT A FATHER NOR AM HAVE I GIVEN BIRTH TO TINY AND DISGUSTING SNAKE FOR I AM ALSO THE PUREST AND HIGHEST TIER OF BEING WHICH IS KNOWN TO BE THE VIRGIN!

YES! THE VIRGIN CALIBORN VS. THE CHAD CALLIOPE WHO IS DUMB AND STUPID AND VERY BAD AT WRITING STORIES. 

BUT I GET AWAY FROM THE POINT OF WHICH I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE UP THE TYPEWRITER TODAY, FOR YOU SEE I HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO PARTAKE OF MY EXISTENCE AND I AM FARMING IT FOR “HITS” AND “KUDOS” SEEING THE NUMBER OF THESE RISE IS NECESSARY AND RELEVANT. 

I LOSE MYSELF IN THESE FLIGHTS OF FANCY FOR THE OTHER DAY YOU SEE I LEARNED TO DRIVE. 

YOU (AND BY THIS I MEAN ME) WERE WORKING IN THE TOILING HOT LAND OF BURGERS AND ART THAT YOU (ME) HAVE BEEN TOLD SEVERAL TIMES IS A WENDYS. I DO NOT CARE WHAT THIS ***WENDY*** SAYS. FOR SHE DOES NOT MAKE THE BURGERS, I MAKE THE BURGERS! I MAKE THE ART! THERE IS NONE OTHER ON THIS PLANET THAT MAKES SUCH FINE MASTERPIECES AS I. 

BUT WAIT! YOU SAY! IS THE TITLE OF THIS NOT CALIBORN LEARNS TO DRIVE? WELL DEAR READER, AND THAT IS TO SAY DESPICABLE READER, I AM NOT HERE TO RECOUNT YOU THE TALE OF HOW I LEARNED TO DRIVE AS I HAVE JUST DECIDED THAT THAT STORY IS BORING AND I AM GOING TO WRITE A MORE DIFFERENT ONE. WHICH IS TO SAY THE ONE I AM WRITING RIGHT NOW. 

FOR YOU SEE I HAVE BECOME THE SUPREME LEADER OF THIS FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT BECAUSE THE PREVIOUS OWNER HANDED ME A STACK OF MEAT AND SAID 

“Hey we’re gonna be serving breakfast soon, you gotta start cooking sausage” 

AND I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND I SAID WHAT IS THIS SAUSAGE, IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE ART OF THE BURGER. THIS IS NOT A BUN. AND ONLY SOME OF THIS HAS BACON ON IT. WHERE IS THE BURGER TOD!!!! WHERE IS THE BURGER i SAID. 

“Man, I’m sorry, it’s orders from corporate” 

AND IT WAS IN THIS MOMENT THAT I LEARNED THAT THE STUDENT HAS OVERCOME THE MASTER AND I REPLACED HIM AS “GENERAL MAN AGER” OF “THE THE WENDY’S”

HOWEVER I HAVE LEARNED THAT THIS POSITION COMES WITH GREAT A MANY CRIMES! 

THIS POSITION THAT I NOW ENCOMPASS IN ABSOLUTE PERFECTION HAS TO DO SOMETHING THAT I LIKE TO CALL “PAYING ITS EMPLOYEES.” 

WHAT IS THIS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT THAT I HAVE NOW SEEN??????????? WHAT IS THIS UTTER MADNESS? ARE THESE ARTISTS NOT GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN THE ART OF THE BURGER FROM ME? THE MASTER OF BURGERS? NAY, THE LORD OF BURGERS? CAN THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES NOT SURVIVE ON THE EXPOSURE ALONE TO MY GREATNESS? THESE USELESS EMPLOYEES DO NOTHING BUT SIT AROUND AND ***TEXT*** AND ***MAKE MEMES*** WHEN THEY COULD BE MAKING MORE BURGERS. 

THERE IS ONLY ONE EMPLOYEE THAT WHICH I ENJOY. 

JIMOTHY. 

JIMOTHY IS A SMOOTHIE I MADE THE OTHER DAY AND WHO I PROMOTED TO SHIFT LEADER BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS STORE WHO GETS ME. 

AHA! I TRICKED YOU DID I NOT? 

THIS WAS YET ANOTHER DECEPTION SET UP BY ME. THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL A CHECK OFF’S GUN. FOR YOU SEE ALL OF THIS WAS A LIE. I AM NOT THE GENERAL MAN AGER OF A WENDY’S I WOULD NEVER WORK FOR A BITCH. I HAVE LEARNED THE ART OF BURGERS AND THEN I BURNED IT TO THE GROUND. THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL “DRIVING THE NARRATIVE.” 

WOW. 

IT SURE IS HARD BEING A WRITER AND HAVING TO WRITE GOOD FICTION. I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW ANYONE ELSE DOES THIS.    
  



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